Breaking the shame cycle from the inside out

Shame is an embodied response that can collapse us completely-- but it doesn't have to. Strength training offers a unique way to break shame's hold and create a new understanding of ourselves.

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• Better Breathing for Trauma w/ Jennifer Snowdon (& me!) 10/3.

• Jungian Somatics Dream Method- 2 day online immersion this fall

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Shame is an unmistakable feeling.

“Shame is not like other affects. It is a global affect that colors the individual’s core sense of self, so that the person does not just feel that they have done something bad or wrong, but rather that they are bad or wrong.”

—Marcus West, Into the Darkest Places

For me, shame feels hot and prickly, an alarm going off in my body. You were wrong, it says. That “wrong” feeling quickly eclipses all rational thought, and, at its worst, is followed immediately by a complete, systemic collapse inward— that crawl under the covers and hide feeling.

In his book Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self, Don Nathanson describes shame as “a biological system by which the organism controls its affective output so that it will not remain interested or content when it may not be safe to do so, or so that it will not remain in affective resonance with an organism that fails to match its patterns stored in memory.”

In other words, shame is what keeps us in line with our family or community, so that we can continue to shelter within its safety. It’s a bitter irony that this instinct, which wants to keep us safe and connected, cuts us off so effectively both from others and from ourselves. For many of us, shame triggers a freeze/collapse response; we dissociate from our core sense of healthy ego. Shame coils us inward and makes any outward relational attempt much more difficult— we don’t dare speak of our shame. Others may experience a fawn response that is driven by a need to connect at any cost. Still others may direct the shame inward or outward as anger (fight), or evacuate the scene as quickly as possible in a flight response.

Shame as core identity

In his book, ‘Shame and Jealousy,’ Phil Mollon suggests that the birth of shame lies in “not being able to evoke an empathic response in the other.”

The deepest wounds of early relational trauma stem from this lack of an empathetic response to our needs. This passive shaming through non-responsiveness can lead us to feel that our relational needs are shameful. As Marcus West says in the quote above, this becomes internalized: we feel bad and wrong, simply for needing connection.

On a larger scale, this also applies to the experience of those whose basic need to exist as they are is not met with an empathetic response: racialized bodies, trans bodies, fat bodies, neurodivergent bodies; those living with disabilities; those living in poverty. This is compounded by a system (specifically, here in the U.S.) that insists we are personally responsible for our own well-being, and that any failure to thrive is a personal failure. Shame on shame on shame.

Interrupting the shame cycle from the inside-out

Because shame is such a whole-body experience, I find it most effective to work with it in an embodied way. When we feel shame hijacking our system, rather than attempting to address it with logic or reason, we can use movement to shift our bodies into a different state.

Going for a walk (especially outdoors) may be an effective-enough intervention for some of us. That bilateral stimulation (which lies at the root of EMDR work) can be a great way to both drop into the present moment and to begin to process emotions. Balance work can also be useful to disrupt shame. But you may find that shame feels so big, or so heavy, or so intrinsic to who we are, that you just can’t shake it off.

This is where I find strength training to be especially effective. Because we need to be able to lift and control a heavy object, our body and brain have no choice but to set the shame aside in order to deal with the bigger priority of staying safe. The weight needs to be heavy enough to occupy the whole system so that it actually means something; otherwise, the body can continue to hold the shame as the primary experience.

Additionally, strength training also demands that we take up space and use power— the opposite feeling of shame’s shrinking, collapsing energy. I find that I cannot hold the feeling of shame as I’m working with a heavy kettlebell, especially in a dynamic way. The felt sense of power and capacity forces the shame out.

It doesn’t take much— sometimes a few reps can be enough to reconnect to our healthy ego strength— but even after we put the weight down, I find that the relationship to the shame will have changed; we can process it in a different way.

Reaffirming relationship

Shame thrives in isolation. Its very nature makes it feel unspeakable. I believe that if we can work with shame in an embodied way in relationship to another human, we can go a long way toward untangling its roots, especially if they lie in original relational trauma. Recall Mollon’s note that the origins of shame are in “not being able to evoke an empathic response in the other.” By sharing our shame, and being received with empathy and acceptance, we can change our relationship with ourselves and others.

As a movement coach, I’ve had many opportunities to see this in action. Shame often enters the picture when we’re learning something new, working with our bodies, or challenging ourselves physically. Sometimes it might be a very specific and tangible experience of shame— I should be better at this. Or it can be a more generalized experience of shame in which the person feels simply that they, themselves, are bad. In either case, we can work with the experience by noticing the experience and making a conscious choice to break shame’s hold on us. As a coach, I can act as an empathetic witness who recognizes the shame, accepts the person in their vulnerability, and then witnesses a shift into empowerment. The experience is profound: both coach and client are changed and can grow in that moment.

Repeated practice breaking free of the shame cycle lays down more positive pathways in our brains and bodies; we become more shame-proof, recognizing that we are worthy both of our own dignity and belonging to the larger group.